Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.: Divorced Parenting During the Holiday Season: Flexibility is the Key

Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. GET UPDATES FROM Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.  

One November, a colleague of mine asked the divorced parents of an angry and hostile 7 year old boy she was seeing for therapy to come to a consultation session. She handed them a doll: "You take the arms", she said to the dad. "Now you take the feet", this to the mom. "Now pull in opposite directions."

"But we'll break the doll," objected the mom.

"Right," said my colleague. "You two have got to stop fighting about who is going to get the kids on Christmas. It's tearing your son apart."

I wish I could report that that dramatic moment changed everything. It didn't. But the parents involved did love their son more than they hated each other and the demonstration got their attention. They did start to work in therapy to get the unresolved issues from their divorce out of the holidays for their children.

It's easier said than done. Parents who could never cooperate while married often find that the holiday season throws them back into the same kinds of arguments and stressful interactions that led to the divorce. Decisions about who goes where and when, who should pay for what, and who should be included in a child's sense of family are all potential stressors. If the parents make negative comments about each other, fight in the kids' hearing, or look for the kids to side with them, it's the kids who suffer most of all.

It doesn't have to be that way. The key to keeping stress down for the kids during the holiday season is adult flexibility.

Be flexible about dates: The old song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas," had it right. Christmas is a season, not a 24 hour day. If you don't believe that it's second rate to spend time with the children on a day other than Dec. 25, they won't either. Even if your ex tries to make an issue of it, you don't have to. Focus on your kids' feelings, not on the date.

Be flexible about traditions. You may want to establish new traditions for your new idea of family. The kids may want to hold onto the way they've always done things. Traditions give kids a sense of predictability in an uncertain world. By all means, fold some new activities into your old routines to make the statement that things are different now. But make sure to honor your children's need for continuity as well.

Be flexible about who you include in family celebrations. There are divorced couples who are able to set aside their differences enough to participate in some Christmas activities together. Some are able to accept and include their ex's new partner as part of the new reality. And many people include former in-laws in holiday events with their children. If there are good reasons you can't, you can't. But when adults are able to get along or at least be reasonably polite with whoever is involved in the children's lives during holidays (and every day, for that matter), children are reassured that they won't lose anyone from their sense of family. They can like, even love, each of their parents' new partners. the families of those new people, and their original extended family without fearing the loss of affection from anyone.

Feeling caught in a fight for their loyalty between the two parents they love is highly destructive to kids' sense of safety and to their ability to form trusting intimate relationships of their own someday. When divorced parents are able to set aside their disappointments and anger with each other and instead focus on the kids' needs, they give their children the best Christmas gift of all.

Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. is a marriage and family therapist and parent educator with over 30 years experience working with families. She is the author of Tending the Family Heart: Connecting your family in Disconnecting Times. It is available on Amazon and the Barnes and Noble websites; as well as on PsychCentral.com. Tending the Family Heart through the Holiday Season is coming soon from PsychCentral.com. Visit her online at www.MarieHartwell-Walker.com.

 

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Matt Schaub Injury: Texans QB Out Indefinitely With Injured Foot

HOUSTON -- Houston quarterback Matt Schaub is out indefinitely with a "significant" right foot injury and will miss at least the Texans' next game in two weeks.

Coach Gary Kubiak said Monday that Schaub was injured on a quarterback sneak coming out of the end zone late in the second quarter of Houston's 37-9 victory over Tampa Bay on Sunday. Schaub stayed in the game, but threw only three passes in the second half.

Kubiak said the team was bringing in a specialist from Indianapolis to evaluate Schaub, and the quarterback would fly to Charlotte, N.C., later this week to undergo further examination.

Joby Branion, Schaub's agent, did not immediately return a phone message or e-mail.

"He's got a significant foot injury, he's going to miss some time," Kubiak said. "But we're going to do everything we can to get it evaluated correctly and see if can get him back on the football field.

"It's disappointing," Kubiak said, "but we'll go to work and try to do the right thing by Matt."

The Texans (7-3) have won four in a row and share the AFC's best record with Pittsburgh heading into their bye week. Kubiak said sixth-year veteran Matt Leinart will start at Jacksonville on Nov. 27.

"It's just something we'll have to deal with," star receiver Andre Johnson said Monday night. "Hopefully, Matt won't miss the whole season. We're not sure exactly what it is, but we do know he'll have to miss some time. We're just going to rally around Matt Leinart, and I think he'll go out and do a great job."

Johnson has missed six games with a right hamstring injury, but expects to return for the Jacksonville game. He was on the sideline Sunday and said Schaub was "limping a little bit," but said he was OK.

"To come in and here that today," Johnson said, "it was kind of like, `Wow.' Now you're hearing rumors that it's possible he could miss the rest of the season and things like that. So it's kind of like, where did all of that come from?"

Leinart, the 2004 Heisman Trophy winner for Southern California, re-signed with the Texans in the offseason after not taking a snap in 2010. He turned down other offers to return to Houston because he was comfortable with Kubiak and his offensive system.

Houston rank eighth in total offense this season (396.2 yards per game).

"Your time's going to come, and you've got to be accountable for when that opportunity comes," Leinart said. "They know that I work hard and I study hard and I'm prepared very well. We'll going to take this and go game-by-game and I don't think much is going to change."

Leinart guided Southern Cal to national championship games after the 2004 and `05 seasons, and went 37-2 as a starter in college.

He was drafted 10th overall by Arizona in 2006 and appeared in 12 games as a rookie under coach Dennis Green, throwing 11 touchdowns and 12 interceptions. He broke his collarbone in the fifth game of the next season, Kurt Warner took over and Leinart was mostly a spectator over the next 2 1/2 seasons.

Leinart talked openly during training camp about earning another starting job. Now he'll get it, just not under the circumstances he wanted.

"I'm bummed. My heart goes out for him," Leinart said. "But he knows and everyone knows that in this profession, things happen, and the next guy has to step up. That's my job and my responsibility.

"That's what I've wanted for a long time, and that's what I've worked hard for every day and prepared for every day," he said. "It's a great opportunity. I'm just excited about the chance."

Kubiak has been increasing Leinart's repetitions in practice, and he's confident Leinart is ready.

"He's played in big football games in this league, he's played in big football games in college," Kubiak said. "Matt's been around it. The key is the whole team rallying around him, and playing well as a team. Matt doesn't have to go win a game, the team has to go win a game. We'll rally around him and get him ready to go."

Schaub, acquired in a trade with Atlanta in March 2007, has started every game for Houston since the start of the 2009 season. Kubiak would not say if Schaub would miss the rest of this year.

"There's a lot of things reported," Kubiak said. "He's going to be in a boot throughout this week, and then the evaluation process will continue."

Schaub joins the growing list of Houston stars sidelined with injuries this season.

In addition to Johnson, sacks leader Mario Williams was lost for the season with a torn chest muscle in a loss to Oakland on Oct. 9, running back Arian Foster missed two of the first three games with a strained left hamstring, and starting safety Danieal Manning has missed three games after breaking his left fibula.

Somehow, the Texans have managed to stay on course for their first playoff berth. Houston hasn't trailed in a game in four weeks and won by an average of 22.5 points across that span.

Johnson says the Texans have experienced so much adversity in past seasons, they understand how to cope with it now.

"In the past, when we had injuries, it always hurt us," Johnson said. "Everything we've been through as a team, you learn from those things and all the obstacles we've been through.

"Losing our quarterback, I still feel very comfortable, I still feel very positive about it. We'll pick up the slack, man. Everyone will step their game up and we'll keep going in the right direction."

The Texans have the NFL's No. 1 defense (269.7 yards per game) and the third-best rushing offense (158.1 yards per game), with Foster and Tate both ranking among the top 10.

"We're going to get tested even more now, so we'll have to call on everybody to do that," Kubiak said. "We do have a lot of confidence right now in what we're doing and we just got to keep our chin up and move forward."

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Tammy Nelson, Ph.D.: Affair Proof Your Marriage

 Tammy Nelson, Ph.D.Sex and relationship expert; Psychotherapist; Author; International speaker

Whether you just got married, or you're on your way to your twentieth wedding anniversary, you don't want to think about the possibility that one of you could cheat, right? You're probably thinking: affairs happen to other couples, it won't happen to us. You and your partner have probably even talked about it. Your conversation probably went something like this:

"Oh honey, infidelity only happens to unhappy couples who don't talk, never have sex and aren't as perfect as the two of us, right?"

Wrong.

Affairs happen because of opportunity. Some studies show that almost 45% of all spouses will cheat at some point in their marriage. Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth," agrees. She says that "conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair" at some point in their marriage. The numbers today are assumed to be much higher. In fact, there is more opportunity for affairs than ever before due to the accessibility of social networking and the internet. Janis Abrahms Spring, author of "After the Affair", says that infidelity now affects one out of every 2.7 couples.

Couples who manage to stay true to each other for the long run have a lot of things going for them. Here are my top three:

1. They have a commitment to the integrity of their monogamy agreement. They have discussed it, agreed on what it means and they revisit it every couple of years to make sure it still means the same thing. Does going to a friend's bachelor party count? How about having lunch with friends of the opposite sex?

To prevent an affair, talk about your monogamy and what it means to each of you. You might be surprised at some of the ways you disagree.

2. Couples who manage to avoid cheating are also having lots of great sex. Not just lots of sex, but lots of really good, rewarding, connecting and fun sex. This means that you have to find new and innovative ways to stay erotic throughout your marriage. Sure, it's fun now. But when you're tired, cranky or frustrated with each other, you still have to get creative and find ways to please each other in bed.

One way to keep it fresh is to have one new fantasy with each other every couple of months. It's less important that you act out the fantasy and more important that you learn the language of sexual empathy and sharing.

3. Couples who do things together and have an active investment in their busy lives together usually don't have time to cheat. Find hobbies you can share, or places you enjoy going together. You don't have to be attached at the hip to keep each other faithful. But you do have to work to find things that have meaning for the two of you, and build memories for a lifetime.

These memories and habits can shelter you in moments of doubt, and when those opportunities to cheat come up throughout your lifetime (and they will) you will have those thoughts of your spouse so close to you that there will be no room to let someone else in.

Talk to you partner today about affair proofing your marriage, and visit www.drtammynelson.com for more about writing your monogamy agreements for a lifetime of passion and connection.

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